I used to get wasted, blow a few lines, make some phone calls, and write seemingly prolific stream of consciousness journal entries. When I sobered up and read my old journal, I was humiliated. I deleted it - just like that (poof) - gone. If only I could erase the mistakes of the past like that. Bleh.
So now Iapos;m sitting here with so little to say, except - Hi, letapos;s pray for little to no drama this time around, and thanks for reading.
I just arrived here in lovely Easthampton 48 hours ago. Iapos;ve slept so well - I remember, at the end of my drinking and drug use, sleeping was impossible. I was so exhausted - and the middle of the night was so lonely. I watched a lot of infomercials in those days. I was not among the living. End-stage alcoholism disrupts the natural circadian rhythms necessary for sleep - plus, snorting coke and adderal all day long didnapos;t lull me to z-ville, either. Even though the past 8 months have been Hellish (more about that in the coming entries), being able to sleep peacefully, eat decent food, listen to music .....those things are amazing me right now. So Iapos;m pretty content.
Thatapos;s not to say the temptation isnapos;t there - it totally is. I spoke to DJ on Thursday night - former best friend, street musician, object alternatively of my lust, affections, and resentment - and heapos;s playing tonight at one of my old haunts. I want to ask him to pick me up but
1) He would probably laugh and tell me to shut up; no way would he drive out here and
2) It would just indicate the beginning of another descent and I believe that one was enough.
God, let these all be firsts AND lasts for me. I have been drinking and using drugs for ten years, and even though I feel like Iapos;m in my late 70apos;s, Iapos;m lucky that I donapos;t look it.
Tonight will go like this:
Hop in a strangersapos; car, hit 2 meetings, come back, play on the internet, fall asleep.
Sleep I might just sleep for a week straight. I have money saved up - and by "money saved up", I mean, a roll of hundreds in my top drawer (that would last the old me about a week - Iapos;m hoping the new me can live on it for a month, or maybe more). My vices are coffee, clove cigarettes, and white chocolate; I can manage.
For the first time in my life, Iapos;ve got no secrets here. So this will probably be boring, but Iapos;m still me, and thereapos;s nothing normal about me at all.
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